By: Holly Shah, Masters Level Intern
It’s that time of year again—the holiday season is here! While many look forward to Christmas with joy and excitement, this time of year can also bring up intense emotions. For those navigating an eating disorder or working through recovery, the holidays can evoke feelings of fear and sadness. Food-centered celebrations, changes in routine, and conversations about food and body image with family can make this season particularly challenging.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers valuable coping skills to support mindfulness,
distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. During the holiday season, practicing interpersonal skills and clear communication with family and friends can help you navigate complex relationships and express your needs in the moment.
DEAR MAN is a DBT skill that stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful,
Appear confident, and Negotiate. This interpersonal effectiveness skill helps you create
healthy relationships by effectively asking for your needs to be met. The holidays often involve interacting with people we don’t see on a daily basis, which can lead to conversations, comments, or questions that may feel hurtful or harmful to recovery. Learning to navigate these situations using DEAR MAN can be an empowering step in the recovery process. It also provides an opportunity to strengthen existing relationships through open and respectful communication.
Describe: Start by describing the current situation, sticking to the facts, and clearly stating what you want to discuss. Focus on what is happening without adding interpretations or assumptions. For example, you might share, “I overheard you making a comment about the amount of food I am eating for our Christmas dinner”.
Express: Share your feelings about the situation, including your opinions and emotions. This is an opportunity to express yourself fully, ensuring the other person understands how you feel and why—don’t assume they already know. This may look like sharing, “I was really hurt when you told my mom that I was eating too much. It makes me feel like you are judging me and I am constantly under a microscope.”
Assert: Clearly and confidently state what you need in this situation. This might include asking others to refrain from questioning your food choices, avoiding comments about your body, or simply saying “no” to a request that makes you uncomfortable. To continue our example, you might say, “It would be very helpful if you could refrain from making any comments about the food that I am eating to me or to others. I would appreciate it if all conversations about food remain positive, especially on holidays.”
Reinforce: Reinforce the other person in the conversation by clearly explaining the positive effects of your needs being met. This can also include sharing the potential negative consequences of your needs not being met. For example, you might say, “When you don’t make comments about the food I’m eating, it allows me to fully enjoy my dinner. I can be more present with the family and less focused on my eating, which supports both my enjoyment of the holidays and my recovery journey overall.”
Mindful: Staying mindful during the conversation means staying focused on your needs without getting distracted or sidetracked. Avoid going off on tangents, overly repeating yourself, or engaging with unrelated or negative comments. For example, if someone says, “You’re overreacting,” you might respond with, “I need you to avoid making comments about the food, I’m eating so I can enjoy the holiday with the family.” Notice how the negative comment is ignored, and your need is restated clearly.
Appear: Confidence is key! Even if you don’t feel it, try to fake it until you make it. Present
yourself with your head held high, speak in a steady and confident tone, and maintain good eye contact. Conveying confidence can help ensure your message is taken seriously. You’ve got this!
Negotiate: Negotiation involves finding a compromise if your needs cannot be fully met at that moment. The other person may not be willing or able to meet your needs entirely, or a different solution might be required. While it’s important to avoid placing yourself in an uncomfortable situation, being open to negotiation can help resolve the issue. For example, you might say, “If you feel the need to comment on my food, I ask that you please don’t do so inside my house.”
The holidays can be a challenging time for those navigating an eating disorder or recovery. The key to making the most of the season is ensuring your needs are met, allowing you to fully enjoy the festivities. Engaging in respectful conversations about how others can support your needs not only strengthens your relationships but also empowers you on your recovery journey.
Additional Resources:
Other Mental Health Services Offered in PA, NJ, DE, SC, MD, CT, VT, and FL
We offer a wide variety of services related to eating disorder recovery including trauma therapy! We offer Weekly Support Groups, Nutrition Services, and Family and Parent Therapy as well as Coaching, all tailored to meet the specific needs of the individual. We offer our services for Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating, and Orthorexia as well as Maternal Mental Health, and eating disorder therapy for athletes online in New Jersey, Delaware, South Carolina, Maryland, Florida, Vermont, and Connecticut! We are here to offer our support and understanding in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
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Recovered and Restored is an eating disorder therapy center founded by Gabrielle Morreale, LPC. We specialize in helping teens and young women heal from eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, and binge eating disorder and treat disordered eating, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. We provide eating disorder therapy in the towns of Horsham, Upper Gwynedd, Lower Gwynedd, North Wales, Lansdale, Hatfield, Blue Bell, Doylestown, and nearby towns with eating disorder therapy. Also providing virtual eating disorder therapy in New Jersey, Delaware, and Florida. Some towns served virtually but are not limited to Pittsburg, Lancaster, Harrisburg, Center City, Cherry Hill, Haddonfield, Mount Laurel, Cape May, Avalon, Brick, Dover, New Castle, Bethany Beach, Marydel, and Oceanview
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